It's time for my confession.
I've been trying to throw you off the scent by giving you crumbs, hoping it'll be enough to keep you at bay.
Occasionally I'd throw a longer post, but it was really just extra long babble to pass the time.
The decline in comments is also a clear indication of just how 'un' stimulating my blog has been. A lot like me really.
"Why?" I virtually hear you ask.
Truth is, I've been feeling unbelievably crap these last few weeks and I didn't want to be caught out. Sure, I gave you clues with the 'S.A.D.' story but I wasn't totally up front.
I entertained conversations in my head that went like, "If I just tell them a little bit, then it'll keep them off my back" (not that anyone's on my back). I've been keeping up appearances and instead of being authentically me - warts and all - I've refrained from writing the truth.
Partly because I don't want to 'burden' anybody on days I'm feeling flat. Who'd want to read something from someone who's having a bad day? I can't bring myself to write anything of any substance until I'm over the hump and back on the rise again (which I'm guessing you've already guessed has just happened).
Why do we do this?
I'm sure I represent an entire population of people who only want to share ourselves when we're upbeat. We love to inspire, charm, motivate and lift the spirits of those around us. But when the shoe's on the other foot, we turn in on ourselves. Surely this is not healthy.
I have no intention of turning into someone who's always complaining (that wouldn't be any fun - or maybe it would...? - either way, it's not cool) - but isn't it time we can be frank that not everyday is a sunny day? We all have rainy days, don't we? Isn't that NORMAL?
While I continue to avoid putting dampeners on those around me, I am essentially censoring myself - my true, normal, up and down self. The happy-go-lucky exterior becomes a facade and if I'm not careful I could have an enormous divide between what the world sees and what's really going on behind the walls.
Until tomorrow, remember what confessionals are for - to speak unspoken words, thus penetrating the barrier that separates perception from what is.
PS. Just for the record, the last 10-days have been physically, mentally and emotionally scheit (a slightly more polite spelling of what I really want to type). My anxiety levels have been through the roof. I have struggled to get out of bed most days, have not been able to face basic daily activities and as much as I've dressed myself in gym gear on a few occasions, I did not step foot in it once last week.
Today I experienced something that was like a panic attack, heart racing, tightness around my chest and found it difficult to breathe. I went to my healthcare practitioner and my insulin levels were through the roof again. This frustrates, scares and baffles me as I have been super conscious of low GI foods. We're now investigating other possible causes i.e. stimulants like caffeine.