Monday, 17 May 2010

My Confession

Noticed how my posts over the last 10-days have been short, somewhat vague and even shallow?

It's time for my confession.

I've been trying to throw you off the scent by giving you crumbs, hoping it'll be enough to keep you at bay.

Occasionally I'd throw a longer post, but it was really just extra long babble to pass the time.

The decline in comments is also a clear indication of just how 'un' stimulating my blog has been. A lot like me really.

"Why?" I virtually hear you ask.

Truth is, I've been feeling unbelievably crap these last few weeks and I didn't want to be caught out. Sure, I gave you clues with the 'S.A.D.' story but I wasn't totally up front.

I entertained conversations in my head that went like, "If I just tell them a little bit, then it'll keep them off my back" (not that anyone's on my back). I've been keeping up appearances and instead of being authentically me - warts and all - I've refrained from writing the truth.

Partly because I don't want to 'burden' anybody on days I'm feeling flat. Who'd want to read something from someone who's having a bad day? I can't bring myself to write anything of any substance until I'm over the hump and back on the rise again (which I'm guessing you've already guessed has just happened).

Why do we do this?

I'm sure I represent an entire population of people who only want to share ourselves when we're upbeat. We love to inspire, charm, motivate and lift the spirits of those around us. But when the shoe's on the other foot, we turn in on ourselves. Surely this is not healthy.

I have no intention of turning into someone who's always complaining (that wouldn't be any fun - or maybe it would...? - either way, it's not cool) - but isn't it time we can be frank that not everyday is a sunny day? We all have rainy days, don't we? Isn't that NORMAL?

While I continue to avoid putting dampeners on those around me, I am essentially censoring myself - my true, normal, up and down self. The happy-go-lucky exterior becomes a facade and if I'm not careful I could have an enormous divide between what the world sees and what's really going on behind the walls.

Until tomorrow, remember what confessionals are for - to speak unspoken words, thus penetrating the barrier that separates perception from what is.

Grace xx

PS. Just for the record, the last 10-days have been physically, mentally and emotionally scheit (a slightly more polite spelling of what I really want to type). My anxiety levels have been through the roof. I have struggled to get out of bed most days, have not been able to face basic daily activities and as much as I've dressed myself in gym gear on a few occasions, I did not step foot in it once last week.

Today I experienced something that was like a panic attack, heart racing, tightness around my chest and found it difficult to breathe. I went to my healthcare practitioner and my insulin levels were through the roof again. This frustrates, scares and baffles me as I have been super conscious of low GI foods. We're now investigating other possible causes i.e. stimulants like caffeine.

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  1. You go, Grace!! Whew.... I was starting to think it was only me. I try to be careful of what I publish to the masses, but on facebook the other day, I wrote a 1000-word diatribe about what was bugging me (read only, of course, by 449 of my very closest friends...). I actually received a 1200-word response from a friend who was relieved to see that side of me come out, claiming that my always-positive attitude was beginning to "creep him out."
    And one day last week I was on the WAY to yoga, gym bag in hand, when I decided en route to go to the movies instead. Gym bag in hand.
    While life sucks right now, I think it's still well within the realms of "normal."
    Breathe deep, and thanks for being you!!

  2. Thank you gorgeous - good to know that there's at least two of us on in the realms of normal (albeit on the edge) xx

  3. Hi Grace (and Christine), you are right. We don’t want to hear about each other’s problems and we are afraid to talk about our unhappy side in this world. With only the odd exception, people on Facebook only ever talk about happy/funny stuff and tend to only occasionally show any fire when talking about politics or sport. Hmm. Neither topic inspires me. Remember back in the day at school when we were all teenagers and the thing to do was to have a D.M. (Deep and Meaningful) conversation with a friend or two about all the torment of what it was to be a teenager? This was a time where feelings like love and true friendship were experienced for the very first time. All these awakenings were so tremendously powerful moments, laying out the path to where our lives have lead us to today and beyond. Perhaps somewhere along the way we became a little cynical about it all..
    We had experienced all these powerful emotions and now when we feel them again they sometimes only feel like a facsimile of that first time. Why is this? Our lives as sentient, emotional beings continue until the day we die. Every moment is an opportunity to feel and realize something new like it was for the first time.
    Are we socially conditioned by our modern developed-world lifestyle to be this way, to work, pay out taxes, not question authority and die ignorantly believing we are all contented and free? We became afraid to show this side in a world where only the strong survive. We bury all these true feelings under a thick layer of bullshit made of the same stuff as our ego. I wish it was otherwise.

  4. Yes I remember the D&Ms - we need more of them!


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