I figured this has something to do with my genetic coding.
Descending from Italian heritage, it is beyond impolite to put yourself first. Words like evil, selfish, 'bestia' and 'putana' quickly spring to mind.
Why is it so difficult to put yourself first - is it wrong?
Does this chronic condition erode your soul so slowly that you don't even know it's having an impact on you?
I keep casting my mind back to the in-flight security instructions; fix oxygen mask on yourself before helping others - is this not an instruction for life?
What good are we to anyone if we are dead or dying?
The moment I started Project Grace 2010, I felt empowered. I had established a purpose, one that I was passionate about - to find the lost me before I reach 40 (hey that rhymes!). I became inspired and eagerly anticipated how my days would unfold - how could I challenge myself so I had something juicy to write?
Then I made a 'rule' - not to blog on weekends, thinking that I might lose myself in the process. Ironically, I lost myself because I stopped blogging.
You see, if I'm being honest with myself, the real reason I made this rule was to save my relationships. I thought that focussing on my project 7 days a week could pose a significant threat to the relationship with my husband, my parents, family and friends. I couldn't fathom turning my back on my responsibilities in favour of my blog - not that blogging takes a huge amount of time... but it does take focus and commitment to deliver.
Essentially, my rule translated to "other people are more important than my blog (which as you know is about my project, which is about restoring me) and I need to be available for them during the weekend".
Without realising what I'd done, I had devalued Project Grace 2010 and no longer made it priority - meaning I no longer made me a priority.
I found myself saying "yes" to things I didn't want to say yes to and with each obligatory promise and action, I could feel myself become more tired, uninspired and by the time I climbed into bed last night, I was completely miserable.
So is this how I lost myself?
With this new insight, I will continue to choose making Project Grace 2010 a priority despite my default setting of wanting to put others first (see pic). This is a new realm I am entering, one that is making me squirm on one hand and feel slightly elated on the other.
In the words of the great 80's duo Wham! "CHOOSE LIFE" to which I respond:
To you: "CHOOSE YOU"
To me: "CHOOSE ME"
Love, hugs and freedom of choice,