My head, my prison

You might be wondering, "What's happened to Grace?" "Why don't we have regular blog posts anymore?" "What is she doing, where has she been?"

While my physical body has been frolicking about with friends, learning what it is to be a Thermomix consultant and hosting Patrick's grandmother for a week, my mental self has been in a dark, self-imposed prison.

Since writing 'The Blues Strike Back' over a month ago, I haven't managed to shake them off. There have been moments of glee, but mostly it's been very unpleasant living with the contents of my head.

This morning I woke up and asked myself "Why am I like this again?" What happened on the 10th of October that has taken me from feeling happy for weeks on end, to feeling chronically anxious and despondent?

My first answer: I do not know.

Then I took time to reflect...

I noticed how my hectic schedule with two trips to Adelaide, a trip to Bali, a wedding, 3 significant birthdays and my upcoming 40th translated to blog posts becoming increasingly shallow. This has happened before, but I've been slow to recognise the pattern... and the impact.

The initial plan for Project Grace 2010 was that November 3rd (my 40th birthday) would mark the completion of the project. Yet it has been and gone and I feel completely incomplete. I've been hovering in shallow conversations and uncertainty for weeks, and it's only making matters worse.

Then last week, I had a meltdown. My anxiety levels had redlined and I rang a girlfriend in desperation. She called back when the household was asleep, so I tiptoed to the bathroom and spent over an hour atop of the toilet seat talking at low volume so Pat and Gran couldn't hear.

Releasing rancid thoughts had an instant calming effect. Though I'd been harbouring so many for so long that it took several conversations with a number of friends over a few days to liberate me (thank you Marsie, Special K, Tarls and mon Cherie).

This morning I felt lighter and more optimistic. As I roused from bed I had the biggest 'aha' moment...

Remember the post titled 'Virtual Shrink's Couch'? Well that's essentially what my blog is for me. Sure it's had a fair share of being a quiz corner, travel diary and fun house, but essentially it's a place where I can 'talk' about things as they occur, thus releasing it from the confines of my torturous head.

What an incredible insight.

I recall many moments of feeling instantly and permanently better after having written things that had plagued me for years, like:

• When 100% Equals FAIL
• Rising Star
• The 5 Stages of Grief

As soon as I had externalised what I was feeling, I was free. Amazing. I've learned that keeping poisonous thoughts in our heads is toxic and can cause self harm - which can be in the form of drinking to excess, eating illicit foods, taking mood altering substances and even go as far as self mutilation and suicide.

So in order to maintain my sanity, I am back.

When marvellous Mikey McCorry (who has been blogging for over 10 years) responded to 'I am Revolting' by saying "the only really important stakeholder is you", I now concur.

Having once thought it was self indulgent to dedicate time into making myself a happier 'me', I realise that other people benefit from my state of being. When I am happy and in a balanced state, I am a significantly better wife, daughter, sister, aunty, niece, friend and colleague. In order for me to be that way, I need to continually invest time into 'me'... and Project Grace 2010 is that investment.

Society is quick to slap the term 'self indulgent' on anyone bold enough to take time out for themselves. Yet the same society is bewildered over people abusing themselves and, or, taking their own lives. The fact of the matter is that we are humans and we need connection. Sharing ourselves - good and bad - is not only for our well being, but for others. When we share, we not only provide opportunities for insight, but we encourage and inspire others to do the same.

For me, my blog is my life saver. I make no apologies for being 'indulgent'. I am, at the end of each day, the most important stakeholder.

Until tomorrow, take stock of your life, be indulgent and set yourself free.

Grace xx

One brick at a time

This photo is rather symbolic of my journey.

Brick by brick, I built a wall around me till I could no longer function. Thankfully, I woke up one day and decided I needed to take action before my 40th birthday (3rd November) and Project Grace 2010 was born.

I reached in and over five months of conscious effort and daily blogging (minus the media blackout in France), I've managed to pull myself out.

It's not over yet, I still have 11-weeks to go.

Here I stand on the outside and am covered in metaphorical dust. I still have some cleaning up to do, but for the most part - I am out.

The big question is, why did I build the wall in the first instance?

In short, it was to protect myself. What I didn't realise was that in the process, I had imprisoned myself.

Project Grace 2010 has been a process of realisation, liberation and transformation. Brick by brick I have removed the confines of my self-imprisonment and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling free. Free to be me and create a life that I want to live.

Tomorrow we set off once again, only this time we'll remain within Australia. We are heading off to Adelaide via the Great Ocean Road to do yet another reconnaissance. Only this time it is for a tour de south east Australia, which is scheduled for Easter 2011.

I know things have changed from the inside when I return from an overseas trip and I am happy to be home. Despite having returned from sunny Europe and Malaysia to a cold raining Melbourne, I am still smiling. My bags are unpacked, the washing is up to date and plans are in action. Instead of falling into a familiar depressed slump, I am excited about future projects. I cannot sit still.

Until tomorrow, remember that deconstructing a brick wall is done in the same way as constructing it - one brick at a time.

Grace xx

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Could I be buried in me?

Project Grace 2010 was not intended to be a weight-loss blog - though it may look that way. But hey, it's only Day 3 and I have 8 months to go... so bear with me.

The point of all this is not just about finding my old self... it's about reconnecting with the me that I love and respect... and bringing all that into the present moment... and going forward.

So I set about on this journey to retrace the steps where I remember the old Grace once loved... and the gym was such a place.

I first stepped foot in a gym at the tender age of 20 and had a crush on the aerobics instructor Danny. I had a boyfriend at the time, so it was strictly 'look but don't touch' - what a feast for the eyes Danny turned out to be.

Soon after I left for London and didn't step back in a gym till I was about 25. This time I lusted after the bodies of women... I wanted to look like them, be like them. So after months of sweating it out, I sculpted a beautiful body - one that my husband Patrick fell in love with all those years ago.

That gym was my all time favourite but it closed down... and that's when I got 'lost'.

Though I've joined a number of gyms since then, none of them had the vibe. It was like being in a relationship where you didn't love your partner, but thought it would be good to stick it out. It was a loveless arrangement.

My sedentary lifestyle combined with comfort eating (especially after the death of loved ones) and my aversion to loveless gymnasiums soon transformed me into someone I didn't recognise.

Then 2 years ago I had a scan (see photo)... and I discovered that lying deep beneath my fat tissue is me!

Could it be that I'm not lost - I'm just buried...?

Is this project more about excavation rather than location?

When I hear myself laughing, it seems as though it comes from the same place as it always has. Is that the voice of the real me buried deep inside?

Is that where I should start looking?

I'm off to meet a friend now - he's a professional opera singer doing a recording here. He's based in Vienna and lives a thrilling life travelling the world, touching people with his magnificent voice. Maybe he might give me some insight about this.

Until tomorrow, ciao for now.

Love and hugs,

Grace

ps. Guy Leech was right about those calves - wow wee!

Project Grace 2010: Day 1

So what it Project Grace 2010?

Good Question.

It's something I came up with this morning while I was wandering around lost... I'm lost... I've lost myself - how is that possible...?

I look in the mirror, I see the shell of me (a rather XXL shell I might add) ... but where am I...? Where have I gone...?

The girl that was so confident, self-assured, fit, healthy, ready to take on the world... where is she...?

Those around me still see her in me... but I can't.

I am paralysed by fear.

What am I afraid of?

This year I turn 40 - but that's not it, that is not what I'm afraid of.

The thought of it, however, got me thinking...

If the average life expectancy for women is around 80ish (courtesy of Google)... then I guess I'm heading for the dreaded mid-life crisis... is that what this is?

To be honest, Project Grace 2010 is a mystery journey. I don't know details. All I know is that I need to find and restore myself before I turn 40... I can't keep going on like this - I AM OVER FEELING LIKE THIS!

I am over feeling disconnected with myself... I'm a walking contradiction (yes, I joined that Facebook Group thanks to my old school friend Sharron).

I am writing this on the 1st day of March in the US... but for Europe, Asia and where I am - Australia (Oz) - it's already the 2nd. However my first act of "Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway," I am taking the liberty of declaring the US time as my project's start date, so here it is in writing:

Day 1: 1st March 2010 (Gosh, I am such a rebel)

Completion Date: 3rd November 2010 (My 40th Birthday)

So that's it... project underway... I'm off to check out a new gym that's opened up nearby. Hopefully hiding in some corner, I might find a part of me that I lost along the way.

Ciao for now,

Grace :-)