Could I be buried in me?

Project Grace 2010 was not intended to be a weight-loss blog - though it may look that way. But hey, it's only Day 3 and I have 8 months to go... so bear with me.

The point of all this is not just about finding my old self... it's about reconnecting with the me that I love and respect... and bringing all that into the present moment... and going forward.

So I set about on this journey to retrace the steps where I remember the old Grace once loved... and the gym was such a place.

I first stepped foot in a gym at the tender age of 20 and had a crush on the aerobics instructor Danny. I had a boyfriend at the time, so it was strictly 'look but don't touch' - what a feast for the eyes Danny turned out to be.

Soon after I left for London and didn't step back in a gym till I was about 25. This time I lusted after the bodies of women... I wanted to look like them, be like them. So after months of sweating it out, I sculpted a beautiful body - one that my husband Patrick fell in love with all those years ago.

That gym was my all time favourite but it closed down... and that's when I got 'lost'.

Though I've joined a number of gyms since then, none of them had the vibe. It was like being in a relationship where you didn't love your partner, but thought it would be good to stick it out. It was a loveless arrangement.

My sedentary lifestyle combined with comfort eating (especially after the death of loved ones) and my aversion to loveless gymnasiums soon transformed me into someone I didn't recognise.

Then 2 years ago I had a scan (see photo)... and I discovered that lying deep beneath my fat tissue is me!

Could it be that I'm not lost - I'm just buried...?

Is this project more about excavation rather than location?

When I hear myself laughing, it seems as though it comes from the same place as it always has. Is that the voice of the real me buried deep inside?

Is that where I should start looking?

I'm off to meet a friend now - he's a professional opera singer doing a recording here. He's based in Vienna and lives a thrilling life travelling the world, touching people with his magnificent voice. Maybe he might give me some insight about this.

Until tomorrow, ciao for now.

Love and hugs,

Grace

ps. Guy Leech was right about those calves - wow wee!

Phuck it, I'll do it anyway

After completing my first blog entry yesterday, I made a dash to our new local gym. I strapped on my Mum's old 'Stackhat' and climbed on her retro 1980-something Apollo mint green girly bike and off I went in search of my former self.

I arrived at the gym with my free pass in hand to 'sample' what was on offer and then it started - that disconnected feeling...

On the inside, I was feeling positive - but then I caught sight of myself in the wall of mirror and I looked like a walrus out of water.

How can I feel one way and look another...?

After overheating, uhem, warming up on the cardio equipment I made way to the labyrinth of weights. This was once my domain, I reigned over it, I was the Queen and I loved it.

Now it terrified me.

As I looked around I was sure that I resembled those little kids that get lost in shopping aisles, "I want my mummy" (for my American and Canadian readers, all two of you, we say Mum, not Mom).

I opted for the free weights and did some simple upper body exercises. I strategically stood in front of the mirror so my face was covered by an A4 'Please return weights after use' sign.

As I stood watching my technique (I'm a stickler for that) I noticed the muscles twitching under the skin of my shoulders and for a split second - I saw me.

The me that LOVED going to the gym and pumping iron, the me that got so strong, became so lean and so toned that Guy Leech (yes, the Guy Leech - Ironman champion and my 80's heartthrob) once said "wow, you've got great calves"... but alas, just as quickly as it came, it went away. I was lost again. Lost in the shroud of my blubbery flesh.

At the end I was fighting with myself - what to do? And then I remembered Project Grace 2010 - and despite all my fears, worries and over thinking, I said "Phuck it, I'll do it anyway" and signed up for a 12-month membership (Pat said softening the 'F' word would make this blog more palatable for sensitive readers).

So that's it. Day 1 complete.

I have an appointment with Vince in an hour where we'll be doing an assessment (yikes!) and discuss my goals so he can devise a program. Vince is also training one of the current contestants of The Biggest Loser, which I find rather uncanny, seeing how I was runner up in a body transformation competition 7 and a half years ago (see photo). Perhaps the universe has brought us together for a reason...? I'm interested to see how it unfolds before me.

Thanks for reading and to everyone who has commented and sent me emails and Facebook messages - WOW! Thank you for making me feel like I'm someone worth finding!

Love and hugs,

Grace