Life begins...

I had a wonderful day and a superb evening celebrating 40 years of life.

I've been on a roller coaster ride these last few weeks and I'm now on the way home (literally typing in the car), where I anticipate getting off (the roller coaster).

It feels premature to end Project Grace 2010 today. I still have so much to say, so many insights and so many acknowledgements to make. So while the official project is finished, I am going to take the liberty to take the time to communicate everything I want and need. Let's just say I'll be making up for all the posts I missed out on.

Until tomorrow take liberties to finish off any incomplete business.

Grace xx

ps. This photo is a self portrait of me in the car on the way home after a day of celebration. I'm wearing my fabulous Desigual coat, which is an amazing piece of artistic attire that I first saw in Galleries Lafayette, Paris, for 500 Euros. I thought it was a bit too extravagant for this fledgling author and soon gave up on the idea of owning it (despite fantasising about it for over a month). After unexpectedly finding myself in Penang (due to my failed attempt to visit India), I stumbled across the same coat on sale in a department store (yes, it is an original). All along I thought this technicolour dreamcoat would make a great 40th birthday present to myself though the price had me give up on the idea. However after seeing the price tag reduced by 75%, it was time to bring it home. So here I am on my 40th birthday wearing my dream coat, and it got me thinking... isn't my life supposed to begin today? According to popular culture, the answer is 'yes'. So I will take a further liberty and call this gorgeous piece my birth-day suit.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Last night we celebrated my impending 40th birthday. Here I am (pictured) surrounded by friends I went to school with. I love them all.

In 11 minutes I will turn 40 years old. These are the last few minutes of being thirty something.

My recent posts have been short. I have been crazy busy. I am looking forward to life taking on a slower pace.

Tomorrow marks the end of my project - Project Grace 2010 - and the beginning of a new chapter.

I am interested to see where it goes from there.

All my love and gratitude to you for being with me along the way.

Until tomorrow, savour the last few moments whenever impending change is upon you.

Grace xx

PS. Thanks Sam for the gorgeous photo, I lifted it from Facebook ;-) xx

Bending over backwards & the art of flexibility

If there's one thing that I've learned this last decade is that it pays to be flexible.

Bending over backwards can be rewarding - it can win you a cocktail in a Fijian limbo competition (pictured right, and yes that is me circa 1998), not to mention give you opportunities in life that you could never have imagined.

Having flexibility means you can alter your course to navigate through life's opportunities, detours and roadblocks - however there's an art to it.

Excessive flexibility could translate into not having enough structure. It could pose as many problems as being too rigid. Questioning the degree of my flexibility, is where I'm at right now.

Have I been too flexible? Is my voyage through life's milestones taking much longer than it should? I will be turning 40 in exactly two months time and I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at this age. No children, no career that I'm passionate about (though lots of little jobs that I am) and no place that feels like home.

Yet on the flip side, I have had so many amazing life experiences that I would not trade for the world. I have little possessions of value, yet my memory bank is rich with priceless treasures and so too are my photo albums. I am also surrounded by those I love and who love me - hence my heart is equally abundant.

I remember having an epiphany when I saw my grandfather in his aged care facility just a few months before he passed. He had nothing left. No possessions other than his clothes and a few photos, no occupation that he was passionate about and no place that felt like home. He did however, have his family, memories and stories. In the end, experiences and the people in his life accounted for more than things.

While I have no intention of departing this earth anytime soon, I am at a crossroads in terms of where I want to go and what I want to do.

On one hand I am completely intoxicated over the thought of being in Europe every summer to host cycling tours and visiting Asia on the way home. Yet on the other, I am wondering that if I don't have any children (my next option would be to pursue adoption), what will become of my maternal love and who will I tell my stories to? Perhaps you reading this blog will do.

Until tomorrow, be sure to find the balance between over-flexibility and rigidity... then tell me about it.

Grace xx

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In the red

Red is today's theme.

I'm wearing a red beret, red cape, red boots, red bangle and read earrings, which went perfectly with my red handbag that is now resting next to my red cup.

Why?

Because I'm celebrating a friend's 40th (hello Mickey) and we were instructed to wear a splash of red. Done.

So after a glass of red, we retired early as Patrick has a mountain bike race tomorrow. We pulled up at the front of our place a little before midnight and as I stepped out of our red car I sighed, "Oh poo, I haven't done today's post yet!"

So here we are.

My eyes are red, I'm going to bed so goodnight my friend, I'm off to rest my head.

Until tomorrow, pick a colour and thrash it.

Grace xx

I am revolting!

HOLD ON!!! Before you rush off to send me soap, scrubs, perfumes and deodorants, I am actually referring to:

revolt |rɪˈvəʊlt|

verb

1. [intrans.] rise in rebellion

as opposed to:

2. [trans.] cause to feel disgust

Though I cannot guarantee this will avoid the onset of definition No.2, I'll do my best to prevent it.

So with reference to definition No.1, why am I revolting? Because, quite frankly, I have to save myself from the jaws of insanity.

You see... I'm beginning to feel like I am talking to myself, which I've heard is one of the first signs of going poco loco. When I go two days in a row without receiving a comment, I start loosing my mind!

Thoughts like, "That's it, it's all over... nobody likes it (me) anymore... I'm boring... I suck... what a waste of time (mine and everybody else's)... why am I doing this ridiculous blog anyway..." and it goes on and on and on. I'm millimetres away from rocking backwards and forwards, mumbling random abusive comments in very Tourette's-like impulses.

Seriously.

Why am I so desperate to have feedback? Is it because I lack belief in myself? What about the old adage, no news is good news. Should I assume that just because I haven't heard anything, that everything is a-okay? For me the opposite is true. When I don't hear anything, I assume the worst.

Is that wrong? Am I wrong? (happy to be wrong at this juncture)

According to new age literature, what we seek must come from within - which at first, I agreed with. But over time, I began to question that rationale - does that mean performers should not seek applause, dogs need not vie for treats, primary (junior) students forget about the gold star (or scratch and smell sticker, my all time favourite) and, here it comes... bloggers not want for comments?

One of the objectives of Project Grace 2010, is to be able to ask for what I want powerfully. Now this isn't easy for me, so it's going to take practice, practice, practice... and more practice.

So here it is, in writing (as I screw my face up and cringe as I type)...

I would like to receive at least one comment at the bottom of each blog. That means if you're the first, I am asking you to scare yourself and leave a comment (go on, you can do it, I know you can). Facebookers have an extra challenge of leaving a comment outside of our grey-blue friend - yep, we are upping the ante folks (Gaz, you're excused for the time being as you have enough frequent commenter points to fly you to Mexico).

Phew, done. Uncomfortable? Yes. As I said - practice, practice, practice.

Until tomorrow, practice asking for what you want, avoid insanity and bypass the revolting route.

Grace xx

Mt. Fabulous At Forty

Today, somebody asked me "What do you do?"

I was keen to blurt out "I'm a Self Expressionist" after my recent occupation declaration (refer to blog). Though, in all honesty, I found saying it so much more difficult than writing it.

Instead, I distilled my current activity into just a few words "I'm taking time out".

I then proceeded to talk about Project Grace 2010. While it might sound like it's 'just a blog' to the unacquainted, it's more than that. Much more.

Project Grace 2010 is a daily commitment that I make 1, to myself and 2, to you.

While my goal is to recreate, redefine and rebuild the me that I want to be (by the time I turn 40), this space is also a forum where I'm free to be me for all to see... and encourage you to be you, even if it's only privately (looks like I've had a bout of Zia Graceism - aka Dr. Seuss-itis).

I am not trying to sell you anything. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. There's nothing secret or sneaky underlying this - there are no ulterior motives*.

This daily act of introspection, reflection and enquiry, combined with inspiration, wisdom and humour, is my method. My way of honouring myself, and preparing me for what is to be my fourth decade.

Though I do not know the altitude or gradient of Mt. Fabulous At Forty, I do know that putting one foot in front of the other will take me there. With each step, I look around and take in the view. I can see where I've come from and look forward to where I'm going to.

Until tomorrow, may there be no mountains high enough or no valleys low enough to keep you from fabulousness.

Grace xx

*BTW, any links to outside websites are to 'fill you in' so you know what I'm talking about. In this instance, there are growing number of readers who don't know me outside of this blog... and maybe saying "Huh? What's Zia Graceism?" - so it's for you. If you are struck by intrigue, you can find out more about me and my alter ego outside of this space.

Project Grace 2010: Day 1

So what it Project Grace 2010?

Good Question.

It's something I came up with this morning while I was wandering around lost... I'm lost... I've lost myself - how is that possible...?

I look in the mirror, I see the shell of me (a rather XXL shell I might add) ... but where am I...? Where have I gone...?

The girl that was so confident, self-assured, fit, healthy, ready to take on the world... where is she...?

Those around me still see her in me... but I can't.

I am paralysed by fear.

What am I afraid of?

This year I turn 40 - but that's not it, that is not what I'm afraid of.

The thought of it, however, got me thinking...

If the average life expectancy for women is around 80ish (courtesy of Google)... then I guess I'm heading for the dreaded mid-life crisis... is that what this is?

To be honest, Project Grace 2010 is a mystery journey. I don't know details. All I know is that I need to find and restore myself before I turn 40... I can't keep going on like this - I AM OVER FEELING LIKE THIS!

I am over feeling disconnected with myself... I'm a walking contradiction (yes, I joined that Facebook Group thanks to my old school friend Sharron).

I am writing this on the 1st day of March in the US... but for Europe, Asia and where I am - Australia (Oz) - it's already the 2nd. However my first act of "Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway," I am taking the liberty of declaring the US time as my project's start date, so here it is in writing:

Day 1: 1st March 2010 (Gosh, I am such a rebel)

Completion Date: 3rd November 2010 (My 40th Birthday)

So that's it... project underway... I'm off to check out a new gym that's opened up nearby. Hopefully hiding in some corner, I might find a part of me that I lost along the way.

Ciao for now,

Grace :-)