The last hour

It is the last hour of 2010 and I am sitting in the passenger seat thumbing this post.

The last 24 hours have been an apt reflection of what this year has been like for me; full of ups and downs, reactions and insights, conflicts and resolutions.

I am happy to say that I am at peace.

Tonight we opted to escape the new year madness and, after driving around for 90 minutes, Patrick and I created our own magic.

We decided that having kebabs and Champagne by the quiet shores nearby Melbourne's shipping docks would be the perfect way to end a perfectly imperfect year. And indeed it was - though we did swap the bubbles for organic orange juice.

With the clock ticking, the new year is but a few minutes away. Can a project dated 2010 continue into 2011?

I have decided not to answer straight away. I am taking a few days off and let the new year settle into my bones. Whatever I decide, be rest assured that I will let you know.

As midnight draws nearer, all I feel now is enormous gratitude. Thank you for lending me your ears and giving me a voice. Know that you have been instrumental in putting Humpty Dumpty together again.

This greatest reveal of Project Grace 2010 has been that my mojo was never lost. It was simply buried under years of emotional garbage, which took 9 months of regular trips to the dumpster (aka blog) to eliminate.

I feel stronger, clearer, focused and committed. There is structure, strategy and security in my renewed optimism.

Until next year, eliminate your emotional garbage regularly so that your mojo is within easy access.

Grace xx

PS. Have an amazing 2011. May it be full of love, happiness and exciting goals that will challenge and reward you. Don't be shy to embark on your own personal project and share it with the world... or at least me :-)

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The power of attitude and the ignorance of youth

I stumbled across a bunch of old photos when I was organising my house a few months ago. Out of all the hundreds (if not thousands) of photos spanning four decades, the ones that struck me the most were those taken in London - where I lived from 1992 to 1994. Such attitude.

I was 21 years young when I booked a one-way flight to the capital of our mother country, much to the distress of my parents. It was an impulsive decision made in attempt to escape my circumstances at the time (which I don't want to get into at this stage).

I had gone to a travel agent one morning to make an enquiry, and had the ticket booked and paid for by that afternoon.

When I returned home to inform my parents of my impending departure, their concerns for me were obvious. "What are you going to do when you get there? Where are you going to live? How will you find a job?" "Isn't this a little too sudden?" "Are you prepared?" were some of the many questions fired at me.

My answers were plain and simple. "I'll get there and make it up as I go. I'll find a place to live. I'll get myself a job. I'll work it out."

Within two weeks of that conversation, I was off.

I arrived in London after having spent a fortnight in Los Angeles with my gorgeous friend Gabriella, who was studying acting in Hollywood. We had an amazing time in sunny California, which was a stark contrast to what I faced in the UK - a place and population that was cold, miserable and overly grey.

I HATED being there and invested in many tearful ISD telephone conversations with Gabri, postulating ways I could return to LA without a green card or money for an airfare. I went so far as to drink a gazillion Diet Cokes per day in order to win a trip to La-La land, but to no avail. Gabri assured me that I would fall in love with London as she had done years before.

She was right. I did fall in love.

It all began on a sunny spring day when I found a room advertised in the 'Loot' for £50 a week (all inclusive - bargain!). I turned into Waller Road in London's South East, hopeful that this might be the place I'd be calling home. I was greeted by the funkiest music my Top 40 ears had ever heard and the cheerful face of DJ-in-the-making Alan, one of the six students that occupied the quintessential London terraced house.

After a brief tour, I became the seventh roommate and my world would completely transform. It was a turning point in my life, one that has carved me into the interesting albeit quirky person I am today. If it weren't for my 'I'll be alright' attitude that partnered my youthful ignorance, I'd have never had the courage to purchase that one-way ticket in the first instance.

Yes it was all a little too sudden, and no I wasn't all that well prepared... but I did find a place to live, I got myself a job and found lots to do. I made it up as I went along and I worked things out.

Nineteen years later I find myself reflecting on the person I was back then. I'd like to borrow some of that youthful ignorance and attitude to get me through a sticking point right now. Is that appropriate or is it like a mother borrowing her young daughter's jeans? I guess it depends on the jeans. Hmm.... perhaps that's another blog post.

Until tomorrow, let the power of attitude and ignorance work for you now as it did back you know when.

Grace xx

PS. I still love London and the amazing people I met there. It'll always remain as a sacred place in my heart for all the personal growth that occurred there. If I were a butterfly, London was my chrysalis.

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Cool Bananas

Tonight is my last here in Penang.

It's the final evening of my two-month adventure that has seen me do some many and varied things like;

• Getting lost in Paris, and finding a très chic coat on the side of the road, then a few days later celebrating the first day of summer with la fête de la musique.
  
  
• Mountain biking and being cheesey in Switzerland.
  
  
• A side trip to Germany to hand deliver an Eiffel tower key ring prize, then take in two operas and a concert (not to mention purchasing some fabulous shoes).
  
  
• A reconnaissance of our Adventure Travel Tour de France tour, squeezing 10-days into six - and four adults packed like sardines in the back of a van for a night.
  
  
• The actual tour where I was interviewed and broadcast on national Belgian TV.
  
  
• A relaxing few days in Singapore where I got to compare the difference between black and white pepper crab (black pepper won by one and a half claws).
  
  
• Getting in a pickle when I booked flights to India without securing a visa first (and learning that the laws changed a few months ago).
  
  
• Seeking refuge in Penang until I could get a flight home and discovering life's a beach when you get to hang out with friends that you've known since being a pimply faced teenager.
  
  
• Discovering a new dental profession and finding out that my repair work is likely to cost a gazillion dollars.

All in all, it has been amazing. Despite the twists and turns, dramas and frustrations, stress and exhaustion, it has been a great journey. I've learned to ride the bumps on the road, smile and say "cool bananas" when I want to chillax.

Until tomorrow, find time to reflect on what you've done recently - it may be more than what you think.

Grace xx

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Bali Reflections

I love this photo.

It was taken in Bali last October while Patrick and I were cruising the island on a scooter. So much fun.

This photo reminds me of life, only I am soooooo tired after a massive day that I simply cannot conjure up words to do it any justice.

So I'm asking you to contribute... what does it symbolise to you? I'd love to hear your thoughts, ideas, feelings and so on.

Until tomorrow, remember that it's okay to ask others to assist when you're feeling tired.

Grace xx

PS. Made a video of my Power Smoothie this morning. Click here if you'd like to see what I look like when I get out of bed - fuzzy head!

Virtual Shrink's Couch

Project Grace 2010 is turning out to be somewhat cathartic and as a result, I've been receiving a number of phone calls and emails from loving, caring friends checking in on me and making sure I'm okay.

I am okay.

Thank you.

Rather than explain myself a dozen times, I've cut and paste a response that I wrote earlier today to my friend (and No.1 commentator) Garrie...

What I'm finding is that once I've externalised my 'issues' by posting it on my blog, a miracle happens - it stops festering in me.

This whole blogging exercise is like an emotional purge and when it comes out - it's out for good.

Every sensitive topic that I've covered no longer causes pain when I think about it. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I have literally said to people in conversation, "I really have no desire to recount the story, if you want to know details go to the post titled..."

I could never have anticipated how profound the experience of blogging would be in resolving issues of the past. What I'm finding is that I don't want to point fingers or blame people. I want to share my experiences, how they've impacted me and ultimately - I just want to be heard.

Isn't that the reason we visit counsellors? To be heard? Has my blogging turned into a virtual shrink's couch (VSC)?

The interesting thing about my daily visit to the VSC is discovering that I am not alone. By openly sharing my experiences and how they've shaped me into who I am, I'm learning that so many of us are shaped by similar experiences. We are more alike than I'd ever imagined.

Until tomorrow, thank you for lending me your ears, allowing me to be heard and making me realise I'm not a freak.

Grace xx

PS. You know the emotional blind pimple I was talking about yesterday? Well, it's not quite ready, so if you wore your raincoat today, make sure you've got it nearby tomorrow. Who knows when this baby is going to pop.

A rewind moment

Have you ever had a rewind moment?

It's like time stands still while a whole bunch of memories are played back in slow motion. You observe happenings of the past as though you're watching a flashback movie montage. Only this time, you know the ending.

You notice all the little details that you missed the first time. It all becomes clear. A bit like gazing at those magic pictures and all of a sudden you have a separation between the crazy pattern and the 3D picture. Once you've seen it, you can't believe that it took you so long to 'get' something that's so obvious. You have what I call, an 'aha' moment.

Well THAT'S exactly what happened to me today...

Saturday mornings, an hour before my French class, I go to a local café to do my homework and practice ordering breakfast with the lovely French waitress (is 'waitress' politically correct nowadays...?)

This morning I bumped into someone whom I haven't seen in eight months. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on. She asked what I was up to and I naturally progressed to talking about Project Grace 2010. The conversation turned out to be like a 'best of' compilation album that got stuck on track No. 48, 'When 99% equals FAIL'... and then it happened - the 'aha' moment.

I had a flood of memories, which felt like watching reruns of Count Down (Australia's MTV of the 70's and 80's) where I reminisced the many renditions of the aforementioned popular tune. I could see cover versions of the original (being the 99% maths test) that played out in different scenarios - a bit like having a different band, different film clip, but essentially the same song.

Not only had this song been playing in my life over and over again like a friggin' broken record (or skipping CD for you young bucks), it's been in the Top 10 for nearly 40 years - holy poop! (word 'poop' courtesy of Christy's comments - cheers)

Just as I went from 99% in maths to chronically failing, I could clearly see scenarios where the dreaded '99% equals FAIL' had contaminated specific areas of my life - which to this day, is still a problem. It's that bloomin' song again, playing in the background like drab, hypnotic ambient music.

THIS IS HUGE!!!

My weight issues and frustration over Nubsy (my abbreviation for 'Nubsy McNoodle Wanted A Poodle', the children's book I wrote and published in 2007) are two major sticking points in my life right now - and I can pinpoint the actual moment when a pivotal conversation took place that popped my happiness balloon. Essentially, it was the precise moment that DJ Poop started spinning that cruddy song, "99% equals FAIL" - and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!!!

Wow.

With this insight, I feel like 'I've seen the magic trick' (thanks for that metaphor Gaz). What opens up is possibility and freedom. I have taken over as DJ and am tossing out that outdated track. I am choosing what songs I want to play and when.

Until tomorrow, be your own DJ and play the songs you choose.

Grace xx