Get Naked

Today marks one week since I revealed my premature menopause diagnosis (aka POF and POI).

Writing about it was one of the most difficult, yet liberating actions I have taken since embarking on Project Grace 2010. It left me feeling exposed and emotionally vulnerable.

My decision to dedicate the next five days to each stage of grief was to help overcome this feeling of being totally naked in front of the world (all three of you), as well as providing a supportive, loving and inspiring space for those currently grieving.

At first I was bothered by the lack of participation on what I'd hoped would be a global conversation. Then I learned something.

It turns out that many people I know are mourning all kinds of losses outside of my implied subject of infertility. Demised friendships, broken relationships, betrayal, end of marriages, lost custody of children, heartbreaking miscarriages and deaths of loved ones.

Each could relate to the sense of grief and loss. Each sought comfort and consolation. But no one wanted to share it publicly.

Why?

I wonder...

Perhaps exposing our raw feelings is not unlike being naked. Some people can happily prance about in their birthday suits in front of complete strangers (life models, nudists, performing artists, porn stars and streakers on a football field), however for many the thought is inconceivable.

There is both vulnerability and strength in being able to stand nude in front of others. And by nude, I mean physically (no clothes), emotionally (no bull$hit), and metaphorically (no make up). I've had my fair share of nudity - both literally and figuratively - and I'm okay with it. Yes it's uncomfortable at first, but the overall feeling of freedom far outweighs any initial concern or discomfort.

Until tomorrow, where in life can you get naked?

Grace xx

PS. If a. you love me, b. love my blog, c. love this post or d. all of the above - please share it (i.e. post it on your Facebook wall).

Emotional Zits

WARNING! This is gross and may cause stomach upset. Proceed with caution.

When I was a teenager, my youthful skin was covered in blemishes (zits). Some were mature, others were ripening just beneath the surface, and then there were those I called 'blind' pimples.

The latter often took a while to be discovered. They weren't 'obvious', just a slight pinkish tinge to the skin. They may have felt swollen to touch, but were generally invisible. I probably would have never noticed them if it hadn't been for the PAIN. They were by far, the worst.

I would spend hours in front of the mirror 'dealing with' my pimples. It provided me with enormous relief once the pressure was released. The blind ones were intriguing, intensely painful and required the most patience for they weren't going anywhere till they were 'ready'.

Not wanting to cause you to puke all over your computer, let's just say that blind pimples were always met with several confrontations over a few days - the first attempts where just warm ups for a huge grand finale.

My Mum (we say mum not mom) would berate me for 'ruining my skin' but to me, the post extraction redness was worth the effort. While I might have looked worse off immediately after squeezing, I felt so much better - at least until the next batch were ripe for the picking.

Then one day, in my early 20's, they were all gone. Forever. I might get the odd zit here and there at certain times of the month but for the most part, I had clear skin. Even to this day people comment at how smooth and lovely my skin is (sounds like I'm doing an infomercial doesn't it?).

Project Grace 2010 is turning out to be a lot like bursting emotional zits. Some have been easy 'pops' - ah, relief, and it all goes away. Others have been like the dreaded blind pimple. First you discover it, you feel it growing underneath the surface. It throbs and it hurts but you can't stop fondling till it develops a head. Then you become determined to eliminate its contents, and continue with focused intention until BANG! It finally explodes, thus leaving you with an enormous sense of release (literally and metaphorically).

It can go two ways after that; 1. Vanish into nothingness, or 2. Swell into the biggest dermatological monster you have ever seen. You need to let it rest a while before launching the final attack.

Well my friends, it turns out that '99% equals FAIL' was not only a Top 10 hit in the last 30 years, but is also a classification '2.' blind pimple. As my posts indicate, I've been fiddling with it for a few days and instead of disappearing, it is swelling. I can feel the pressure of an enormous eruption brewing under the surface. I can feel that it's only a matter of time before the grand finale.

If you've read this far, here's a second warning: Next time you check out Project Grace 2010, make sure you're wearing a raincoat.

Until tomorrow, may you whittle away at your emotional zits (if you can stomach it) and you too can have clear skin.

Grace xx

The Gemini Within

Do you ever feel that you have a split personality?

There's a part of you that's safe, conservative, careful, sensible and, quite frankly, a little dull. You have brilliant ideas, but are too shit scared to do anything about it - like painting the living room wall hot pink, then you settle for sage.

You purchase classic clothing items because they either 'never go out of style' or 'go with everything' - then a few months later, you want to shoot yourself when you can't put a whimsical outfit together. You are reliable, responsible and dead set serious.

You never admit it openly, but you're also a bit of a scrooge.

You really get pissed off over splitting bills when you've only had soft drinks (even though mineral water is triple the price of the house red). You can never leave behind cute hotel shampoo and conditioner bottles, not to mention miniature jam jars (don't laugh boys, we know you can't say no to free bar snacks, despite the high probability of them being contaminated by urine).

Then there's the other part of you... the part that is totally outrageous.

You go shopping with complete abandon and make reckless purchases - like a multi thousand dollar entertainment system with universal remote control (for guess who?) or a petite, totally impractical and hideously overpriced beaded clutch (aka glorified make up bag) that you'll only ever use for weddings, and that's okay, because it looks gorgeous and you simply must have it (lads, your role here is to carry our camera, purse, keys and mobile phone).

You generally like to stay in control, but when you let your hair down - watch out - you are over the top! A loud, flamboyant, colourful and spontaneous risk-taker; you care less about what people think and try harder to make people laugh. You are generous and money is no object.

What you once found terrifying - i.e. a camera, microphone or tambourine (I have a whole story about that) is now your best friend. You become suspiciously better at flirting, playing billiards and speaking a foreign language. You may easily be enticed to cross-dress and, should you ever find yourself in Munich during Oktoberfest, stand on a table and sing 'Ein Prosit' - then piss yourself and end up on YouTube (thankfully that part was not me).

Is it normal to have two completely opposite facets to your personality? And if so, how do we manage it?

When I was in the wine industry, I discovered that drinking was a key that unlocked the playful, liberated and carefree side of me. But since becoming a virtual teetotaller, I found that part of me didn't get out to play much, and consequently I had become rather miserable.

What I'm learning is that yes, it is normal to have two distinct sides to our personalities (perhaps even more). Managing it is simply allowing it to be.

The less we suppress ourselves, the less our need to 'let our hair down' and the less extreme these personality traits are. The key to inner tranquility is to express all facets of our personality, without mood enhancers. It's the bringing together of both sides that gives us balance and a healthy spirit.

Perhaps our focus on being 'adults' has made us forget what it is like to truly have fun and play - and the only thing outrageous is, exactly that.

Until tomorrow, may you celebrate the Gemini within.

Grace xx